That’s a real one, in your reflection, without a follow, without a mention/ you’re really pipin up on these ^!&&@’s, you gotta be nice for what to these ^!&&@’s…~Drake
You’re amazing, but….
I really like you, but….
I love you, but….
We’ve all been at the receiving end of one of these “buts”…they’re the statements that come just before someone tells you that even though you are the best thing since buttered biscuits on a lazy Sunday afternoon, you’re just not IT for them. Even though you are more amazing than a snow day on test day, there is still something missing in you. You are an ice cold drink in a frosted mug on the hottest of days, but still…STILL you are not enough. When you are the recipient of one of these ‘but’ conversations (or text messages), the person delivering the news could list a million great things about you; however, they are all quickly erased by whatever follows the “but”. The ‘but’ will leave you feeling hurt, empty, and less than. It follows you. It can change you, and not always for the better.
These days it seems the popular thing to be is a savage *insert Megan thee Stallion aaaa sound*. Protect your heart, get them before they get you, catch flights not feelings. Leave them on read, text them on Monday after the weekend’s over, disappear for a few days and then reappear…. Give them just enough to want more and then scoot them back into “their lane”. Should you find yourself feeling something for someone don’t you dare say it because then you become thirsty, needy, pressed…. Whatever you do, don’t make your feelings a plus one to a party where only your genitals are invited. It’s far better to be savage according to the court of public opinion. The result is a world full of people walking around trying to get before getting got, tending to their own wants and needs with little to no regard for the wants and needs of the other person/people, and building a wall around their heart taller than the wall Trump wanted to build on the Mexican border. *aaaaa*
If you’re like me, you may not necessarily walk around with your heart on your sleeve, but when you care about a person or when you love someone, you do so deeply. So when you’re like me and you find yourself at the tail end of the ‘buts’ it can be devastating. It can knock you off of your already wobbly balance beam of self-love and confidence. It quickly derails your quest to feel like you’re enough in your own skin. It prevents your practice of perfectionism wherein you try to do all things and be all things and handle all things. It’s a swift kick in the gut and can feel quite literally like it takes the wind out of you. Perhaps worst than any of those things is the fact that it can often propel you into the savage pool as you vow to never share your heart in that way again, to never love again, to never give again. But….
My daughter and I were walking out of an office building one day through an exit that had two sets of doors…(yes, I promise, this is still on topic lol)…. As we walked through the first set of doors I noticed that there was a gentleman immediately behind us, so as we walked through the door, I paused to hold the door open so that he could walk through behind us. After all, it would be rude to let the door go and fall on him…just as rude was the fact that he walked through the door and said absolutely nothing! There was not a thank you to be found. As we approached the second set of doors I thought to myself, I know how to fix him. With my plan set firmly in my mind to let the second set of doors go without pausing to hold it for him (you won’t get me twice), I see my daughter rush ahead of me to hold open the door. I thanked her for holding the door then looked at her and said “come on”. She didn’t budge — she was ruining my get back! “Come On,” I said through clinched teeth. Still, she didn’t move until the man behind us walked through the door. After he walked through the doors and went about his merry way, still with no thank you, my daughter let the door go behind us. As we began walking towards the car, she turned to me and said, “mommy, why didn’t you want me to hold the door”. “That man was rude and didn’t even say thank you when we held the door for him the first time”, I retorted, to which she replied, “just because he doesn’t have good manners, doesn’t mean we should stop being nice”. *jaw drops* Lesson received…
To the lovers, the bleeding hearts, the people who wear their heart on their sleeves, I give you a similar drift…just because you’ve fallen victim to the ‘but’ conversation, just because you’ve fallen for a savage or two, just because you’ve been hurt in ways that continue to sting to this very day, don’t stop being you. Your pain, your tears, may have falsely caused you to believe that you are weak. On the contrary, it takes great strength to put yourself out there, to love before knowing if you’ll be loved in return, to love even when it’s hard to do, to pick up the pieces of your heart and love again. Continue to do so. Be not fooled by savagery…many “savages” once had a heart as big as yours, but they allowed the pain of failed friendships, relationships, courtships to scare them into becoming the aggressor. You get to choose savage or savor. Make no mistake, both sides hurt in their own way…but one side gets the chance to truly love, or truly love again. You can ask yourself, be nice for what….? And I would say because it’s who you are, and don’t you dare let anybody change that.